Where’s a Silver Bullet When You Need One?

The phone beeped, and I answered. “Hello?”

“Bwark bwawk woggle bwoarrrrrk.”

I just love cold calls.

“Oh, you have a new software methodology that reduces bugs, gets products to market faster, and lets customers specify feature changes until the last minute before ship?”


“Let me guess, it’s a variant of Spiral-Agile, with ‘verbal documentation’, releases done in a tri-phase staggered schedule so that QA runs and development can run in parallel, and with management well out of the way doing the dishes and feeding the hogs. Dev turns are on even days of the week, deconstructionist code morphing and beta refactoring on odd days, and on prime-numbered days everyone changes job descriptions in the HR database and switches keyboards.”

“Breeble doogah wootle sooch!”

“Ooooh, and three case studies with resounding success. Let’s look at your web page for the references . . . huh. I didn’t know that the Pentutti Amazonian Tribe even knew how to spell C++, much less specialize in web-transaction-based commodities trading. I thought they were still fighting to get clean running water and electricity, shows what I know.”

“Geekle gonk.”

Could be a typo, I’d agree. What else you got?”

“Zikko-zakkle ratzmatzagingafoogledom.”

“Ah, specialized training. Yes. And certification? Two days, five thousand dollars, and a silly hat entitles you to run a formation of professionals into the ground at three hundred bucks an hour. Nice. Tell me you have a book.”


“And on-site consulting run by the People Who Didn’t Let Other People Pee For A Long Time?”


“Sorry, I’ve got my own methodology.” And I hung up and went back to my book.