Windows Updates Bedtime Story

“Tell me a story”

“Once upon a time, a bear went to apply the latest Windows updates to his laptop. For a while things went fine, but near the end, at the very last two critical updates, he started getting an obscure error. No amount of rebooting or re-running would make them work. So he went out into the forest and started asking the creatures about what to do.

“Ready Rabbit asked if he had rebooted his computer. ‘Yes, I did,’ said the bear, and continued on.

“SQL the Squirrel wondered if he had executed the turn off / turn on procedure. Bear said, ‘I don’t see what difference that would make, but okay.’ He turned the laptop off and then turned it back on again, and the updates still didn’t work.

“Fixxit Fox asked if he had installed the latest updates first. The bear ate him.

“Finally, Awl the Owl gave him a link to a half gigabyte “Update Readiness Tool” that would fix the problem. He went home and downloaded and downloaded and downloaded and finally ran that puppy.”

“Daddy, daddy, what happened next?”

“Well, what do you think happened?”

“I think that his laptop ‘sploded all over the ceiling!”

“Well, no.”

“Did the laptop melt into a puddle of silicon slime and start slagging down through the floor like the molecular acid in that scary space movie I’m not supposed to see until I’m 27 and you don’t have to pay the bill for a therapist?”


“Did the updates work? I’ll bet they worked, Daddy!

“No. The bear put the laptop away in a corner, went to his blog and wrote down a rant.”

“Then he ran Linux! With a real window manager and not that Unity garbage!”

“With a real desktop and not that Unity garbage, yes. Bedtime for you.”


I haven’t actually installed Linux on that yet, but I’m sore tempted.

Author: landon

My mom thinks I'm in high tech.

15 thoughts on “Windows Updates Bedtime Story”

  1. Did the bear try the following:
    1. Stop Windowsupdate service
    2. Delete the “softwaredistribution” folder (under %systemroot%)
    3. Start Windowsupdate service, and retry windowupdate ?

    1. The bear tried this. It didn’t work exactly smoothly, but by sticking a screwdriver into the guts of that Windows directory structure and stirring hard with Administrator permissions, leaving behind some smoking wreckage that was still in use by some random system process, the update worked.

      Bear is a big believer in sharp screwdrivers.

      1. i once poked pic16f84 with a screwdriver that stuck its clock 🙂 it was refreshing to know that its all based on analog silicone clock and is only approxymation of / saddle upon nature 🙂

  2. Download and burn a live-cd of say, Mint (which is very nice looking, and usuable too) and give it a spin. I think you just might like it. 🙂

    N.B.: Wine goes a long way towards filling in the inevitable gaps. 😉

  3. I’m not entirely sure how I landed in this strange new world (I think from Daring Fireball), but I just wanted to say that this is adorable. Thanks for brightening my day 🙂

    And looks like the Archives will keep me busy for a while…

  4. ever since i installed ubuntu LTS i actually never touched anything under the hood there. well. one thing was sucky, but only this. there are some nice IDE’s like Anjuta or Kdevelop, if youre still into software. Honestly im thinking of going computer-free and with only a 10″ tablet, maybe some dual-booted tablet that boots into ubuntu when i feeel like doing some self-inflicted pain for old times sake, when my move towards simple janitor job somwhere in texas/deep south wont work out. (i run 10″ lappeh for like 5 years now, and its way more than a man can handle)

    If you install ubuntu 12.04 LTS (no big updates that mess whole thing up till 2017.04) be sure to install this anti-unity crap package of mine.

    I run this stuff ever since i installed it. Updates are only clicking one button and waiting. All software is there and then some… Its like mac, but without the reality distorsion field, “the way you make your bed is the way you sleep in it” more or less. Its pwetty:

    1. oh. and i would strongly suggest ubuntu over all mints and whatnots. mint and others have significantly smaller user base. plus they often come with custom internals that drift from debian/ubuntu way by introducing some arbitrary uptate mechanism that totally is useless, or some kernel with not enough kitchen sinks in it that require you to dibble in if your hardware is slightly not-usual (like laptops).

      ubuntu, despite being total UI garbage now with unity, still has the cleanest internals i have ever seen in any distro (and i seen them all since 2000). stuff just works there. all is nicely packaged. huge userbase means there is lots of eyeballs which want to make it as sane as possible. including lots of closed software guys take ubuntu as their first distro of choice to release their stuff with. you can burn install cd/pendrive and run live from it for a while if you wanna see if it fits your lappy without glitches and stuff. live pendrive has option to keep your changes on pendrive.. so next day you would have same thing to work with, which is nice.

  5. Whatever has happened in the Linux community? They seem to have had an even bigger lobotomy than the disaster that is Windows 8.

    The most recent Ubuntu and Fedora have user interfaces so dumbed down as to be unusable.

    What is happening in UI land? Has everyone gone nuts?

  6. +1 for Ubuntu 12.04 less Unity. Gnome 3/classic works fine.

    Do it, Landon. Do it for the children. Do it to save all those kittens.

  7. @Ashleigh: Yes, the world’s gone mad. Everyone seems to be trying to shoehorn the desktop UI into a mobile-device-friendly format. 7″ and 4″ touch screens are the wave of the future, doncha know?

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